I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
