I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
