I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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