My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you win again, gameday.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
