this beer tastes like vomit already
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
