the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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