Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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