Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
