I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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