my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
