I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
