Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
