It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
