I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
found the other keg... it's in the tree
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
