Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
