how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
