Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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