I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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