If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
