well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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