Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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