Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
