actually, I'm a sock model
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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