im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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