that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
