i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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