where does the pee come out of this thing
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
