You made me cry and you don't even care
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
