Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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