This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
