I think scott just propositioned me for sex
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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