So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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