he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
