I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
