I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
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