Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
