Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
