omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
