So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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