he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
