Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
