nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
They are going to name an STD after you.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
