3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
