First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
