Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Randomize
