There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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