what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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