hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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