Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
