If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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