now i know why i became what i already was.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
