The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
