life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
